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10 Essential Tips to Use when Imitating Gollum – and 10 Reasons Why

The guide you never knew you needed.

by Elizabeth Altenbach and Jenni Noordhoek

aka the Gollums, Precious, Inc.

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(Note: I do not own the picture.)

First of all, there is a knack to pulling off a convincing Gollum. In no particular order, here are ten tips to get it done right.

#1 – The Voice

Drop your voice down into a gravelly low range – like when you get up in the morning and your voice is all foggy. Except worse. You have to be careful not to sound like Yoda, though – see Reason Why #6.

#2 – The Precious

Everyone needs their own Precious. We talks to it and forgets all rules of grammar for it, and we loves it more than anything in the world.

#3 – Fish

Gollum has exactly two things in his mind at all times, regardless of all other obligations: the Precious and fish. Repeat often. Add adjectives. See below.

#4 – Appropriate Adjectives

Fish is tasty, juicy, sweet, and always raw. Elveses are nasty and smelly. So are hobbitses.

#5 – Plural Nouns

Plural nouns always add an extra ‘es’ after the appropriate plural form. Slither those s’s as swiftly and smoothly as you can.

#6 – Plural Personal Pronouns

We are never alone, are we, precious?

#7 – The Pose

While you may not be the size of Gollum, you can communicate that size by hunching over a bit and crouching. Practice a bit so you don’t fall over when you try to move.

#8 – Movement

And of course his movement is its own special thing – a scamper that is willing to skitter and climb over anything and everything in its path. Give it a bit of the bounce with the crouching.

#9 – Eyes

Your eyes must be wide and huge and crazy, just like those of our little friend. If you can keep them open for a long time without blinking (DON’T BLINK!), so they turn a bit reddish, this will be more convincing. It could also work if you have double pink eye, which, in my opinion, is an asset. In occupations of this sort, anyhow.

#10 – Evil

Everyone knows that when you’re playing a character, you have to adopt their personality and make it your own. So sign those adoption papers and be a clever, cunning, conniving wretch like our little friend.

And now we have the why side of things.

Reason #1 to Imitate Gollum

You can easily scare people who don’t know you very well, or at all.

Example: If you suddenly heard “THE PRECIOUS! WE LOST IT!” in your ear, no matter where you were, you’d probably jump and spin around looking for the voice’s source. After all, you don’t want Gollum behind your back. You want your eyes on him at all times.

Speaking of eyes, this brings us to our next reason.

Reason #2 to Imitate Gollum

If someone hears Gollum in their ear, and then they whirl around and can’t find Gollum, they’re going to be unsettled (because, as mentioned, you want your eyes on him at all times). So if you can pull this off, you’ll have the cruel enjoyment of confusing and frightening your unfortunate victim.

This is best done in public, where there’s a crowd you can melt into. Either that, or somewhere dark, where you can escape undetected.

Sneak up behind your unfortunate victim, drop your voice down low into Gollum’s tone, and say something like “Where is the Precious?!” Then, blend into the crowd. When your unfortunate victim turns around to look for Gollum, stare at them like you think they’re crazy.

Reason #3 to Imitate Gollum

Uh, duh. Because it’s entertaining.

Who hasn’t passed time that would otherwise be boring by doing impressions? But next time, instead of Ozzy Osbourne, or Jack Sparrow, you should try Gollum! It may be a popular voice to mimic, but it never gets old.

Reason #4 to Imitate Gollum

Answering the phone takes on a whole new life with your Gollum voice.

Ring! Ring!

“Hello? Do you have the Preciouss?”

“Um… hi? I thought this was Julie. Er…sorry, wrong number…”

“THE PRECIOUS! THE NASTY HOBBITSES STOLE IT FROM USS!!!”

Click!

“Heheheheheh!”

Happy prankful joy.

Reason #5 to Imitate Gollum

Because it’s FUN. How’s that for a reason?

Reason #6 to Imitate Gollum

Irritating genre purists. If you do multiple voices, this especially becomes a concern. Heaven forbid you mix up your sci-fi with your fantasy and Yoda’s voice comes out saying “We wants fish, Preciouss!” Or of course, the alternative – Gollum’s voice saying something like “The Force: strong it is in you.” Because either way, it would just be plain unacceptable, and you’d be branded as a deprecator of the good names of science fiction and fantasy, until the end of time. And you don’t want that, do you? DO YOU? No, we didn’t think so, Precious.

Reason #7 to Imitate Gollum

If you have a big test at school that you didn’t study for, just practice your Gollum voice the night before, until your voice gets all scratchy. Then you’ll be well on your way to faking a dangerous illness and getting out of school for the day!

Reason #8 to Imitate Gollum

Say you and a friend are in France on vacation. Maybe you want to watch your all-time favorite fantasy trilogy, The Lord of the Rings (better known in France as Le Seigneur des Anneaux-at least that’s what Google Translate tells me). But your hotel’s DVD library only includes the French version.

Luckily, since you know every word of each movie, if you speak French, you can use your skills with the Gollum voice to “dub” the movie, or Gollum’s lines, at least, so your non-French-speaking friend can understand!

Reason #9 to Imitate Gollum

You can use improper grammar around your English teacher without getting in trouble.

Example:

“We needs extensionss on the due date for the essay, preciousss.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m imitating Gollum.”

“Oh, well that’s a pretty good imitation, Dwayne! Sure, you can have the extension.”

This totally works. Trust usss, precioussss.

And finally…

Reason #10 to Imitate Gollum

Why not?

We rests our case, preciousssss.

But not our fishes. We eats those, preciouss.

Categories: Random | 8 Comments

Reasons for my absent-ness (and pictures!)

I practically disappeared from the face of the earth, didn’t I? o.O I apologize, my dear readers. I do consider my reasons good, though, if you will take the time to review them.

1. As you know, I have a part-time job as a cashier, which has been draining me of time and energy.

2. I got a second part-time job as a personal care attendant for an awesome kid who has autism. I love it.

3. I was  in high school, so homework took a lot of my time as well. But being that I just recently graduated, there’s no more homework for a while. 😀 So that should free up some time.

4. I’ve been having a lot of trouble sleeping, so even when I’m not busy, I’m usually drowsy and uninspired. (Yes, I’ve tried practically every solution under the sun. I’m going to see a doctor soon.)

5. As most of you know, I have five younger siblings. Enough said.

So I’ve been too busy even to write much, let alone post on my poor little blog. But I shall try very soon to get a post that’s in my head written up for you all. Thanks for bearing with my absent-ness!

Here are some pictures as a reward for putting up with me. (I used part of my tax return to buy a Nikon L610, and I love it. It also came with editing software, which I’ve been making use of as well.)

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I’ll try to have another post up soon. 😀

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Far Above Rubies…

My good friend Amy puts together and sends out a newsletter for girls. It includes encouraging articles and devotionals, stories of people who change the world, poems, and even a recipe or two. I’ve only received one issue so far – I haven’t been a subscriber for long – but I do enjoy it very much. My post on joy was published in the latest issue, and my post on Romans 8:18-39 is going to be published in the upcoming issue, alongside several other brilliant writers.
Head on over to the Far Above Rubies website and subscribe today! 🙂

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My Bookshelf

Well, it’s really a headboard, but it has shelves, so I use it for books. This isn’t even half of my books, but no more would fit!

I just cleaned all the junk and dust off my headboard and reorganized it to use it for book space. So I decided I should celebrate by giving y’all a tour. 🙂
Please keep your hands, arms, and legs down and inside the ride at all times…

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Let’s take a closer look. (Pardon the bad photo; I used my cell phone to take the picture.)

Shakespeare

The blue books are my “The Yale Shakespeare” collection. There are forty volumes in all; I acquired fifteen from a locally-owned bookstore (my favorite bookstore) called The Book Owl.
I’ll mark the ones I have already read in the list.

A Midsummer Night’s Dream (read)
As You Like It
Hamlet (not pictured; currently reading, also previously read)
Henry the Fifth
King Lear
Macbeth (read)
Measure for Measure
The Merchant of Venice
Much Ado about Nothing
Othello (read)
Shakespeare’s Poems
Shakespeare’s Sonnets
The Taming of the Shrew (read)
The Tempest (read)
Twelfth Night

Oh, and the purple dragon was crocheted for me by Kitra Skene (Kitra’s Website). 😀

left shelf

These are my writing notebooks. The green ones were originally purchased to write my first fantasy series in, and I filled six of them. The other notebooks are various other stories I’ve started. And the black box on the right is my stationery set that I use for writing letters. It also has a secret compartment where I keep the letters that I receive. 😀

middle shelf

These are just a bunch of books that I had lying around. Eight of them are recently acquired, from The Book Owl and the dollar store. Your local dollar store may have some good novels – you should keep an eye out.
I’ll mark the ones I have already read in the list.

BlinkTed Dekker
CaptiveJere Van Dyk
Come SundayIsla Morley
Dead of NightBrandilyn Collins (read)
The Elements of Style – Strunk & White
The Green Mile, books I & IIStephen King
The Hidden OasisPaul Sussman
InkheartCornelia Funke
The Second ObjectiveMark Frost
The Stand – Stephen King
The Treasure Principle – Randy Alcorn
The UncannyAndrew Klavan
The Bride CollectorTed Dekker (currently reading)
Les MisérablesVictor Hugo, translated by Norman Denny (currently reading)
The Bible, English Standard Version (currently reading)

And last but not least…

right shelf

Above the books is my autographed Sidewalk Prophets bumper sticker. I never took off the paper backing; I stuck it on the headboard with tape. 😉

The Chronicles of NarniaC.S. Lewis

And here we have the books that my friends from Holy Worlds have written and autographed for me! 😀

Never – J. Grace Pennington
(Grace’s Website)
The Offset TrilogyLuke Alistar (read)
(Luke’s Website)
Peter’s Angel – Aubrey Hansen (read)
(Aubrey’s Website)

I also have a signed copy of Penalty by Jay R. Lakewood (Jay’s Website), but I don’t know what happened to it. Hopefully I’ll find it as I continue to clean and organize my black abyss of a room. 😛

On the right there’s a box that looks like a book. I just put it there for decoration. 😉

Well, that concludes our tour! Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. Please exit carefully to the left and proceed down the designated exit ramp…

(Oh, and thanks to Jess Verve for teaching me how to do the link embedding thing. 😀 )

Categories: Random | 10 Comments

A Random Shout-Out

I thought I’d give Dr. Bill Vicars and lifeprint.com some free publicity, since his online American Sign Language (ASL) curriculum is free! http://www.lifeprint.com/asl101/lessons/lessons.htm
He teaches very well, and includes methods that really help the language to stick in your memory. If you have the slightest interest in ASL, I encourage you to check this out. I enjoy his lessons very much.

Okay, that’s the end of the infomercial. 😉

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Random…

My cat is absolutely convinced that she belongs outside. It’s hilarious and pathetic at the same time to watch her scrabbling at the kitchen window, checking every square of glass to see if there’s a way out. Actually, it’s more pathetic than funny after a while, because of the number of times she checks each part of the window. I just want to tell her to give it up, because the glass is not going to just disappear.
But then I remember that she’s a cat, and she doesn’t speak English. And I never finished my course on Felinese.

I was thinking earlier how people who volunteer at churches, who don’t get paid, are always happy and smiling, and yet they turn around and go to their jobs, where they do get paid, and yet they so often don’t act as happy about it. I think we should act like we do when working in God’s house wherever we go, because really, the whole earth is His temple. He’s everywhere. So we should serve Him with a joyful heart and a smile on our face. 😀

I told you this was random (look at the title again). That was not an analogy. That was just two random thoughts I had today. Ta-da!

Type to you later. 😉

Categories: Random | 4 Comments

Homework…

The good:
My homework for writing class is revising the novel that I wrote during NaNoWriMo.

The bad:
The novel that I wrote during NaNoWriMo does not want to be revised.

In fact, it’s acting like it wants to be drop-kicked out the window.

How’s everyone else’s writing going, if at all? 😉

Categories: Random | 10 Comments

A Very (Very) Short Story

Once upon a time, it was a dark and stormy night, in a galaxy far, far away…

Elizabeth had no time to blog and felt very sorry for it.

The End.

Categories: Random | 8 Comments

Alistar’s Contest!

Luke Alistar, an author friend of mine, is running several promotions and sales and giving away free ebooks this December and January. Among his books on sale are a collection of forty comical stories and a middle-grade modern fantasy novel, both of which have been popular among families across the country. In addition, he is releasing his second volume of comical stories in January. And guess what, my writer friends? He’s holding a holiday story contest, with the prize being a free signed copy of the new book. Check his blog for coupon codes, links, and details about the promotions and the contest: http://lukealistar.com/2012/12/03/free-books-discount-codes-a-contest-and-a-giveaway/

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Announcement!

ATTENTION EVERYONE!

Remember Noelle Holmes? Well guess what? SHE’S HOME!!!

I know I haven’t been faithful in updating. Life’s been crazy lately! But as of the other day, she is home. Finally. This has been a long and strenuous ordeal for the Holmes’ and their family and friends. It’s not over yet; she still needs prayer for complete recovery. But she’s well on her way! God has worked and is working an amazing miracle through Noelle. What an awesome God we serve. 😀

Categories: Random

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